The White Lotus and friendship
While the third iteration of The White Lotus provided a stark insight into what taking Jennifer Coolidge out of your TV show does to its watchability, its dominance in social media memes and office gossip alike still cemented its status as ‘essential viewing’. Although this time the plot drifted ever further from realism (in some cases, alarmingly so – hello, Rick’s entire storyline), there were aspects of the series that still resonated with the everyday experience of us mere mortals – primarily, in how the show represented friendship.
The White Lotus series has excelled in portraying nuanced, challenging friendships. In series one, it showed us a friendship between college students Olivia and Paula, in which Paula navigated the discomfort of seeing her friend’s level of privilege, and the gulf that opened between them (not helped by undertones of potentially homoerotic voyeurism, and masterminding a minor jewellery heist). In series two, we saw Ethan and Cameron’s ‘frenemy’ relationship: while the two outwardly expressed affection for each other and professed to being friends, jealousy, past hurt and suppressed communication eventually combusted into a violent confrontation.
And so to series three, in which Mike White clearly delighted in his depiction of a triad of middle-class, middle-aged white women, together for a super-friendly holiday among best friends. The interactions between Kate, Laurie and Jaclyn were a study in delicate but deadly nuance, in which tone and phrasing were so deliberately chosen, and so layered with meaning. Each friend was keenly aware and observant of an unspoken code of conduct: say mostly positive things to the person I’m speaking to directly, with the odd veiled jibe that can be plausibly denied; then let loose and say everything I’m thinking as soon as that person is no longer present. It was clear that this dynamic had long been in place, so familiar were they with all the steps – and that even though we saw each party was hurt upon realising they were on the receiving end, it was also clear that it wasn’t a dynamic they’d openly discussed or tried to recalibrate.
While some of what the friends discussed out of earshot was criticism, a good chunk of it was actually concern. Laurie and Kate worried about Jaclyn’s relationship with her appearance, with finding genuine connections, and with her absent boyfriend; Kate and Jaclyn worried Laurie might be struggling with family, career and alcohol; Jaclyn and Laurie worried that Kate was turning further to the right, and was making very conservative life choices. Clearly, each friend was struggling with various aspects of their lives, but this dynamic of not asking each other about the worries prevented them from being able to actually talk about them. Although they had been friends for years, they weren’t helping each other through their life difficulties, because they followed these unspoken rules of not talking about the challenging stuff.
This friendship dynamic isn’t uncommon – in fact, it was a part of the series that hit home, because it showed something we could recognise. Although friendships are arguably the most important relationships in our lives, it’s striking that so many of us feel uncertain of how to navigate them. We are often not taught about how to have fulfilling friendships, as there can be a great deal of pressure to intrinsically ‘know’ how to do friendships and to excel on this front (perhaps especially for those socialised as female). This means that we might struggle to talk about our doubts and difficulties around friendships, and that we can be tempted to try to copy what it seems like everyone else is doing, avoiding rocking the boat or standing out.
To this end, it can be tempting not to ask friends tough questions, even when we feel concerned that something might be going on for them. As a case in point, how common is it for someone to go through a break up, and then have a bunch of friends say, ‘I never really liked your ex, I was worried about that relationship’? It begs the question - why aren’t we talking about these concerns sooner? Clearly, there is a sense that naming the worry with a friend isn’t what we ‘should’ do. However, does that track? While Jaclyn and Kate seem more content to keep their worries under the table, for Laurie it is evidently a source of hurt: she knows her friends can see the worries too, and them not asking her about them feels sad and isolating. It seems to increase her sense of comparison with them, and to aggravate feelings of failure.
Perhaps it could be said that what keeps the friendship triad stuck in their unhappy patterns is a lack of communal, shared vulnerability. While all of them feel vulnerable around each other at various times, they are never able to name it, or to talk about it together. This keeps them distanced from each other, as by avoiding these vulnerable topics, they are unable to develop the trust in each other that opening up about something tough requires. They are also unable to demonstrate their worthiness of being trusted, as they don’t get the opportunity to listen to and support their friend. Ironically, in trying to avoid seeming judgemental by not asking about the worries, they become more judgemental – the worries are talked about indirectly, behind the other person’s back, not as a supportive group working together. It isn’t easy to tell your friends that you’re worried about them, or that perhaps that you even disagree with something they are doing – but maybe opening that door could be a welcome relief, and a significant kindness.