The White Lotus and friendship
While the third iteration of The White Lotus provides a stark insight into what taking Jennifer Coolidge out of your TV show does to its watchability, its dominance in social media memes and office gossip alike still cements its status as ‘essential viewing’. Although the plot drifts ever further from realism (in some cases, alarmingly so – hello, Rick’s entire storyline), there are aspects of season 3 that still resonate with the everyday experience of us mere mortals – primarily, one might argue, in how the show represents friendship.
The White Lotus has excelled in portraying nuanced, challenging friendships. In season one, it shows us a friendship between college students Olivia and Paula, in which Paula navigates the discomfort of witnessing her friend’s level of privilege, and the gulf this opens between them (not helped by undertones of potentially homoerotic voyeurism, and masterminding a minor jewellery heist). In season two, we see Ethan and Cameron’s ‘frenemy’ relationship: while the two outwardly express affection for each other and profess to being friends, jealousy, past hurt and suppressed communication eventually combust into a violent confrontation.
And so to season three, in which Mike White clearly delights in his depiction of a triad of middle-class, middle-aged white women, together for a super-friendly holiday among best friends. The interactions between Kate, Laurie and Jaclyn are a study in delicate but deadly nuance, in which tone and phrasing are so deliberately chosen, and so layered with meaning. Each friend is keenly aware and observant of an unspoken code of conduct: say mostly positive things to the person I’m speaking to, with the odd veiled jibe that can be plausibly denied; then let loose and say everything I’m thinking as soon as that person is no longer present. It is clear that this dynamic has long been in place, so familiar are they with the steps – and that even though each party is hurt when on the receiving end, it is also clear that they’ve not openly discussed or tried to recalibrate this dynamic.
While some of what the friends whisper out of earshot is criticism, a good chunk of it is actually concern. Laurie and Kate worry about Jaclyn’s relationship with her appearance, with finding genuine connections, and with her absent boyfriend; Kate and Jaclyn worry Laurie might be struggling with family, career and alcohol; Jaclyn and Laurie worry that Kate is turning further to the right, and making conservative life choices. Clearly, each friend is struggling with various aspects of their lives, but this dynamic of not talking about their worries prevents them from being able to actually help each other.
This friendship dynamic isn’t uncommon. Although friendships are arguably the most important relationships in our lives, so many of us feel uncertain of how to navigate them. We are often not taught how to have fulfilling friendships, and can feel pressure to intrinsically ‘know’ how to do friendships well (perhaps especially for those socialised as female). This contributes to the challenge of talking about doubts and difficulties with friendships - we might just copy what it seems like everyone else is doing, avoiding rocking the boat or standing out.
With that uncertainty going on, It can be tempting not to ask friends tough questions, even when we’re worried something might be up. As a case in point, how common is it for someone to go through a break up, and then have a bunch of friends say, ‘I never really liked your ex, I wasn’t sure about that relationship’? It begs the question - why aren’t we talking about these concerns sooner? Clearly, there is a sense that naming the worry with a friend isn’t what we ‘should’ do. However, does that track? While Jaclyn and Kate seem more content to keep their worries under the table, for Laurie it is evidently a source of hurt: she knows her friends can see the worries too, and them not asking her about them feels sad and isolating. It seems to increase her sense of comparison with them, and to aggravate feelings of failure.
Perhaps it could be said that what keeps the friendship triad stuck in their unhappy patterns is a lack of communal, shared vulnerability. While all of them feel vulnerable around each other at various times, they are never able to name it, or to talk about it together. This keeps them distanced from each other, as by avoiding these vulnerable topics, they are unable to develop the trust in each other that opening up about something tough requires. Ironically, in trying to avoid seeming judgemental by not asking about the worries, they become more judgemental – the worries are talked about indirectly, behind the other person’s back, not as a supportive group working together. It isn’t easy to tell your friends that you’re worried about them, or that perhaps that you even disagree with something they are doing – but maybe opening that door could be a welcome relief, and a significant kindness.